The Inner Tug-of-War: Trust, Fear, and the C-PTSD “Figure It Out” Part

If you live with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), you may know the exhausting inner dance between parts of you that seem to be in constant conflict, especially when it comes to relationships and trust.

On one side, there may be a part of you that is open, forgiving, and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. This part might overextend itself, people please, overlook red flags, and take responsibility for others’ emotions, seeking safety in connection even when that connection isn’t safe.

Then, on the other side, there’s a part that scans every interaction like a detective. Hypervigilant. Suspicious. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It doesn’t trust easily or at all. It guards you like a hawk, questioning motives, scanning facial expressions, replaying conversations, and preparing for betrayal even in moments of calm.

From the perspective of Internal Family Systems (IFS), both of these are “parts” - subpersonalities with their own beliefs, roles, and histories. Neither of them is bad or broken. In fact, they’re trying to protect you in the best way they know how, based on what you’ve lived through.

But when these two parts are in polarization, locked in an oppositional stance, you may find yourself stuck in a third mode entirely:

I call it the “Figure It Out” part.

This part tries to mediate the battle by intellectualizing, analyzing, gathering evidence:“Is this person safe or not?”“Was I overreacting or were they gaslighting me?”“Should I stay or should I walk away?”“Who’s right, my trusting part or my suspicious part?”

It can feel like if you just think hard enough, gather enough information, or get the “right” opinion, you’ll finally settle the argument. You’ll land on an answer and the war inside will end.

But here’s the trap:

The “Figure It Out” part, while often well-meaning, tends to pull you away from your Self energy - the calm, clear, compassionate center that can truly hold space for all parts.

When you're caught in this mental loop, you’re often not actually connected to either part, nor are you witnessing them from a grounded place. You're trying to solve them rather than listen to them.

And that’s the shift that healing requires.

Why the “Correct” Part Isn’t the Point

IFS teaches that healing doesn’t come from deciding which part is right and which is wrong.

Your codependent part developed for a reason. Maybe connection used to be a lifeline. Maybe pleasing others helped you survive.Your hypervigilant part also developed for a reason. It may have protected you from betrayal, danger, or emotional harm.

Both parts hold wisdom.

Both parts hold pain.

Both parts deserve your presence, not your judgment.

When you approach these parts from Self - curious, compassionate, connected - you can begin to understand what each is trying to protect you from. You can soothe their fears. You can learn from them rather than be ruled by them.

And from that place, the tension begins to soften. The “figure it out” part, seeing that you’re listening deeply, can relax its grip too.

A Practice: Listening Without Choosing Sides

Next time you feel pulled between two extremes - trust versus suspicion, stay versus leave, love versus fear - try this:

1. Pause. Notice the “figure it out” energy. Gently ask it to step back for a moment.

2. Turn inward. Invite each part - the trusting one and the suspicious one - to speak one at a time.

3. Listen. Ask each part:

   • What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do your job?

   • What are you trying to protect me from?

4. Be with. You don’t need to solve anything. Just be present. Your Self energy is the medicine.

You Don’t Have to Choose a Side. You Get to Lead.

Living with C-PTSD often means internal confusion, second guessing, and mental overwork. IFS offers a different way forward, not by choosing between your parts but by being the leader they’ve been waiting for.

Not the perfect, always-knows-the-right-answer kind of leader. But the kind who listens. The kind who cares. The kind who doesn’t need to figure it all out before offering love.

You are not broken for being conflicted. Your parts are trying to help you survive. And healing doesn’t mean getting rid of them. It means getting to know them so you can lead from the wisdom of your Self.

For more information on IFS therapy, check out the link.

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